In the 8th grade, as I walked towards the stage of my school’s main auditorium for an elocution contest, a group of boys began cheering my name, coupled with the name of another student from the senior wing. The noise spread, and the entire hall joined in the cheer. It was a classic way to playfully tease a guy about his school crush. Unaware of the situation or even the identity of the other boy, I was utterly shocked by the uproar of sounds, claps, and cheers. With the thoughts of potential consequences teacher and judge complaints, my parents getting to know about this, or any other disciplinary actions, I nervously approached the microphone. And then, I froze.
From practicing the same script for nights in front of the mirror, here I was, a girl who even forgot to adjust the mike to the correct level trying really hard to gather the words of my speech. As a result, I couldn’t win any title in that competition. But failing was nothing, it was the fear of that noise that kept me away from being ever on stage again…….at least for the next 3 years!
I think the fear of public speaking or starting meaningful conversations comes from moments that get stuck in our minds. It could be the fear of judgment, the hesitation of facing failure, or the worry of being compared to others. To overcome this fear, I needed to recognize its presence, understand the consequences of avoiding communication opportunities, and ultimately find the courage to break free from it.
Let’s dive in…
It was a friend who brought to my attention, saying, “Hey Parul, I’ve noticed you’ve not been raising your hand when teachers ask for volunteers in school activities. Any reason?” Upon reflection, I realized it was a self-imposed restriction. I had to think deeply about the potential impact on my future self-development, recognizing the limitations it could impose on effective communication in both professional and personal spheres.
To overcome the hooting noise from some teenage boys, I resolved to confront my fear of public speaking with one determined effort, with 100% courage and willpower. The setting was a small classroom with around 50 students during our Hindi language course, and it was my turn to speak next. Taking a deep breath, I tied my hair and faced the gaze of the 50+ pairs of eyes, delivering my speech with ample practice, genuine emotion, and unwavering bravery (also since the topic itself was the Jallianwala Bagh Massacre). The result: a room filled with resounding applause!
As time has passed, I’ve come to understand that our minds often operate in two extremes. On one hand, we may perceive ourselves and the gossip around us as being so significant that everyone is talking about us. On the other hand, we might feel our existence is so insignificant that any opinion or thought we have is of no value to others, leading to the question of why speak at all. I encountered this mental barrier when I began posting content on LinkedIn and found myself oscillating between these two streams of thought.
Moderation is the key. When these two extreme thoughts trouble you, consider this: for the first one, recognize that the world has its own concerns; people aren’t constantly thinking and talking about us. It takes literally moments for them to forget what we said. As for the second thought, amidst the countless perspectives in the world, our own viewpoint matters. It’s valuable to contribute our unique perspective to discussions and make our point of view known.
Another insight I’ve gained is that Confidence is derived from Competence. When I attempt to discuss a topic I haven’t thoroughly covered or face a high-stakes communication situation, like a job interview where I lack knowledge on a specific question, my core acknowledges that, regardless of the communication tools I employ, I won’t be able to convince the listener. However, when you are well-versed in the substance of the theme being discussed, your voice, tone, and body language undergo a drastic positive transformation. Therefore, it’s non-negotiable to thoroughly prepare, be well-read on the matter, and cover as many dimensions/perspectives as possible.
It’s a well-known fact, that only 7% of our communication consists of words, with the remaining 93% being conveyed through our emotions, visuals, and essentially all non-verbal cues. One of my professors emphasized the significance of “Aura” in this context. The energy we bring into a room or gathering, the smile we wear, the warmth in our eyes as we interact with strangers—all of these factors hold importance. Whether in a small group or a large auditorium, listeners subtly pick up on our vibes, even when we may not be consciously aware of it.
There’s an unseen halo that the listener perceives when we speak. Psychologically, it’s proven that discussing a negative topic with our entire body language aligning with that theme can make us come across as a negative person. This phenomenon is known as spontaneous trait transference, where communicators are associated with the traits they describe in others. Conversely, when we discuss something or someone using positive or neutral connotations, others attribute a charismatic halo to our personality. It could be as straightforward as choosing “discussion” over “argument” when possible or emphasizing optimistic qualities before addressing areas that need improvement.
All of this requires practice and perseverance but it can be worked upon for sure. And there is never a final goal post, it’s always a process because there is always some scope for improvement in improvising our communication.
To this, I am reminded of how our grandparents used to narrate our favorite bedtime stories to us. Did you ever notice how listening to the exact same stories never made us bored even as children? Because it was never the story (the Katha) but the storyteller (the Kathakaar) who made it sound fascinating every single time. All it takes is the art of the storyteller to narrate, sound, and behave in a manner that encapsulates the listener (even if it’s a toddler who has no plans to sleep)! Now that’s a serious skill to be worked on.😀
